Clomid: Round 1- Fail.

Round 1.  

May was our first month on Clomid.  I started taking the medicine right after we got back from Hawaii.  I had it all planned out in my mind.  "Being relaxed and rejuvenated from vaca, we'll start the meds, and have then we'll be prego."  The schedule of when to take each medicine was insane for a couple weeks, I had to add reminders in my phone to keep everything on track.  

Late Saturday night we were driving home from dinner in Seattle with friends and I felt an odd cramping feeling that I hadn't ever felt before.  I had a feeling I was ovulating, so I turned to Google & my sister to find out exactly what I should be feeling.  After determining what I thought was ovulation, we quickly changed our destination to the only place open after 10 in Bellingham...Walmart.  We bought an ovulation predictor & a pregnancy test, just in case.  I took the test as soon as we got home, but it was negative.  I was definitely disappointed because I had my hopes up.  Tom suggested I try again the next morning to see if it had changed.  I barely slept because I was so excited.  (If you could have told me 5 years ago that I'd be excited about ovulation, I would have laughed in you face.)  The next morning finally came around, I took the test again, and the lines were very faint, but I could make them out.  So I counted that as positive!

My doctor had me set up an appointment on the 11th day of my Clomid cycle.  The plan was to do an ultrasound to see if the medication was working properly.  My appointment was on Monday, and I was so excited to go because Sunday was the big day...or so I thought.  

While doing the ultrasound, she told me I had not produced any eggs, and that my lining was too thick.  Without knowing what to say, and feeling caught off guard, I said, "Well, that's a good thing to know." and she chuckled and said, "No, honey, that's not a good thing at all."  I almost lost it in the chair when she said that.  Actually, that's when it really hit me.  It was like the last few months of discovery, disappointment, and news all came barreling down into a wave of emotions.  Before, I knew something was wrong, but I just assumed that since I was relatively healthy, and had been trying for so long, that all I needed was one little boost.  Unfortunately, it didn't happen with that one little boost.  

I left the office in a rush, even forgot to setup my next appointment.  I got out to my car, called Tom, who couldn't answer because he was in a meeting, then called my mom and started crying.  This was the first time I'd actually cried over the pregnancy ordeal.  I felt like I had been holding it together really well...until that day.  

The next two weeks I completely fell off the wagon.  I started drinking my non-fat latte in the morning, and even ordered sugar cookies a couple of times.  I put on about 4 lbs in two weeks...and that was a small wake up call.  I knew I needed to break the habit again, because I want a healthy body for a healthy baby....when the time comes.  With the difficulty we've been up against (PCOS), I want to eliminate any chances of miscarriage, and a healthy body is the first step.  So, I'm back on the wagon, trying to be healthy, and hoping that June will be a successful month.