UPDATES

To conceive  or not conceive, that is the question.

Actually, that's not the question at all, but after the last two weeks, I've had to stop and ask myself, "Am I doing something wrong here?"  I sometimes get stuck on wondering how it's so easy for some people, while others struggle.  We've now passed the 2 year mark for trying, and I'm starting to feel exhausted.  For so long I had great control over my mind and thoughts.  The past few months have been a struggle for my mind & body, and it's very trying at times.  I'm thankful for my family and friends who have been my support group & confidants.  

I do have some good news to share though!  My last doctor appointment was September 17th, which happened to be our 2 year anniversary.  I had just finished another round of Clomid, and was contemplating even going to the appointment because I had a feeling I knew what she was going to say.  When I got to the office, she was running behind, so I sat in the waiting room for my routine ultrasound to check if we had made any progress.  Since we were in a rush, we went directly into the ultrasound room & she started talking about what our next step would be, whether we needed to up the dosage of Clomid again, or if I was ready to talk about other forms of conception.  Mid-conversation she stopped, and excitedly said, "But, it looks like we won't have to discuss those this time because you have a follicle on your right ovary!"  She checked the left side, and much to my surprise, there was a follicle on that side as well!  

Why was this so exciting?  It meant that the Clomid had finally worked!  After years of not ovulating, my body had finally reacted to the medicine and was on track for ovulation that coming Wednesday!  Not only was there one follicle, but there were two!  My lining was the perfect thickness, and the follicles were 14mm in size.  According to my doctor, they would grow to 18mm by Wednesday/Thursday & would be just right for ovulation.  The timing couldn't have been any sweeter with it being our anniversary.  I told Tom 2 was our lucky number.  2 years married, 2 years trying, and finally...2 follicles!  

We took our schedule from the doc, and did everything she told us to do.  We waited two excruciatingly looooooong weeks, and started the testing process.  I've taken tests in the past, but they've been more like, "Hey, I wonder if..."  This time around, it was very stressful.  I woke up Wednesday morning, knowing it had been 2 weeks, and tested expecting to see 2 pink lines.  Unfortunately, there was just one lonely pink line.  I tested again Thursday, Friday, & Saturday.  Feeling totally obsessed.  Each morning, I was sure I would get a positive result, and each morning I was disappointed.  

I had a hard time accepting that I might not be pregnant.  I had gotten my hopes up so much, and my body was feeling totally different....dare I say...pregnant.  I was irritable, extremely tired, plus many other weird symptoms that I won't go into detail about...turns out it was just hormones from my medication.  Yay.  (Not.)  Yesterday was when I finally realized that I'm not pregnant.  There was a lot of crying and sleeping yesterday.  Tom, being the ultimate optimist that he is, kept reminding me that we've made so much progress since we started this journey.  It was somewhat comforting, but I was still very upset.  It's tiresome listening to people tell me that everything is going to be ok.  Obviously I know it will be ok, whether it works or never does, I'll be fine.

So, that's where we're at now!  I have another appointment this week to go over our next plan of attack.  Since we've come up with a dosage of Clomid that has worked, I think we'll be on that for a couple more months, then decide from there whether to up the dosage again, or go another route...whatever that may be.  Although, I'm hoping it won't come to making that decision!

Thanks again for all your support!