Clomid Diaries

I'm kind of "out" on Clomid right now.  We finished yet another round that was unsuccessful.  I feel like I've gone backwards in progress.  Last time it didn't work we we're able to keep positive with thoughts like, "Well, at least we know it works." and "At least we know the right dosage."  But, to have it work one time, and then have it not work the next time just means that I'll never be able to depend on it always moving forward.  It's definitely an emotional set back.  

So, I take two meds, one is a hormone that helps my body into menstruation, and the main pill stimulates ovulation.  The first pill makes me physically uncomfortable.  I retain water, which makes my cankles sore, then my boobs get sore, and I get tired.  Sometimes I even have a period!  (TMI?)  The side effects of the second pill have become progressively worse.  

Dizzy, check!  
Nauseous, check!  
Massive headaches, check!  
Hot flashes, check!  
Breast tenderness, check! 
Tired, check! (nodding off at work, check!) 

Did I mention dizzy and nausea?  It was bad, I mean B-A-D this last time.  There were times (yes, multiple) driving that I had to pull over because I thought I may pass out.  Other times where I couldn't eat because I didn't think I could hold it down.  And my favorite, most embarrassing part, bending over with my head between my knees in the middle of my office praying I wouldn't pass out.  

I have an appointment next week to start yet another round, and all I can think is that I don't want to!  Isn't that horrible?  Yeah, I feel pretty bad even typing it.  The weeks just keep adding up and turning into months, and even though we've had some success, we haven't had the outcome we set out in the beginning.  

Everyone wants to share their story with you, or give you medical advice.  I have to say this now, if I ever gave any of you pregnancy advice, I'm so sorry!  I cringe at every time the words, "Well, when my sister-in-law was pregnant....." came out of my mouth in the past.  If I ever met up with past Marissa, I'd probably have punched her in the teeth by now.

I've been really open about trying, so when people ask when we're going to start poppin' out babes, I'll say, "Oh yeah, we've been trying for awhile, just waiting for it to work one of these times!" or something equally as disturbing as the question.  (Which it's amazing the things people have the nerve to say or ask you!!!) My other 'favorite' is the steal-joys or kill-joys of the world.  They're the ones who tell you they're jealous when you make progress, or the ones who make up bigger and better stories at the perfect time.  It's really interesting how much you learn at each doctor appointment, which I've been to a whole lot of 'em!  So, the people that make things up just crack me up because all I think is....hmmm, that's not how it works, but nice try!  (And by crack me up, I mean, it makes me crazy...hence the late night blog post labeled clomid diaries...really?)

So, there you have it.  I'm not looking forward to next week.  I don't want to be sick through Christmas.  I'm EXHAUSTED from trying, crying, and being bloated.  Seriously, I didn't know my ankles could get any bigger!  

On the plus side, I've gained new friends from the experience, and gotten closer to ones who I've used as my confidants and late night therapists, and I feel blessed to have you all in my life. This experience is not only physically and emotionally breaking, it's also testing my strengths, which I feel like I've fared pretty good so far. 

As for tonight, I'm going to put on my big-girl-pants & stop whining about next week, because really, I'll take all the pain & headache for the outcome!