Random Ramblings

We've all experienced our own degree of heartache a time or two in our life, or past life for some of us.  I've gone through a few break ups that were painful and one in particular that I thought "broke my heart" and I felt I would never make it through that awful depressed, sad, emotional phase.  I remember being so stubborn when friends would offer consoling words to the depressed and rather obnoxious know-it-all teen I was.  I was sure I would remember every little detail of the relationship, every smile, every word.  It's something I look back on and have to laugh at how minute and ridiculous it all is now.  I used to take long drives, start out listening to Finch (their first album) so I could sing, or better yet scream along to the lyrics.  I'd usually end up with Jimmy Eat World or Brand New towards the end of my drive to ensure total depression, feeling bad for myself, making the whole "heartache" much worse than it actually was.  I was sure those songs would forever remind me of the dysfunctional and ended relationship.  I had the same conversation with my poor sister-in-law who listened to me over and over again while reassuring me I was going to be fine.  My mom even had great words of advice, we know she's been through her fair share of this so called "heartache".  


I look at where I am today and feel totally relieved and secure about life and relationships.  I think back to a time where I wasn't and it feels like a different person was living that life.  I can see her through the faded frames in my head.  These thoughts all began the other night, I've been way into the television series Lost for the past few months.  The latest episode I watched one of the male characters was asked if 3 years is too soon to get over a person they loved.  He went on to explain how he had been in love and he could always picture her face, as the years went on he still remembered, but he could no longer see her face.  That's what got me thinking about past relationships.  My stubborn side came back for a second and I thought to myself, whatever I will always remember my past.  The more I started thinking about it I realized I'm in the same boat.  (Yes, that makes me crazy for comparing myself to the guy from Lost.)  Of course I can still recollect what happened both good and bad.  Although, now I remember more of the bad than good.  However, I can't remember the face completely, it's more of a fuzzy picture.  All the little memories you don't want to let go of when you are first heartbroken have been erased, or possible replaced by better ones.  I didn't ever say to myself, "Alright, memory, let's delete these files!"  It's like my subconscious just decided they weren't important enough to keep.



I expressed to Tom one day how I wanted to write a short story about life "Pre-Tom" as I call it.  His response was, "I dare you to do it." because he doesn't think I will follow through.  There are times when I want to and other times I feel too busy and distracted.  I do think it would be a fun little piece that only a few select people would ever get to read, not that anyone else would want to anyway.  I do feel like the experiences I had that involved this so called heartbreak are rather interesting, involved, complicated, and downright crazy that it would be worth writing down, even if it is for my own comedic relief about how totally lame and dramatic I was about everything.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still totally lame and full of drama, but Tom does such a good job of controlling my insane tendencies.  Who knew that was all I needed, a man who gave me enough freedom to be myself!


Alright, that's all I have time for with my random ramblings...