This is my bahumbug post...if you are in happy spirits and loving life, don't read below beacuse it's just me ranting.
I was asked what traditions my family had during Thanksgiving. My first response was, "We do the normal, turkey dinner, say what we're thankful for, and oh yeah, we eat ham too." The more I thought about it, I realized the thing I loved the most I won't get this year and frankly won't ever be the same.
Two years ago we lost one of the greatest women, my grandma, to a stroke. A couple months later we had Thanksgiving at our house with my parents and recently widowed grandfather. We didn't even make it through the prayer without tears, my grandpa couldn't eat which was killing me, my mom wasn't even coping still at this point from the shock of losing her mother. It was one of the hardest dinmers to get through, one of the longest days, and one of the times where I had to be the "all mighty woman who holds it together" when I didn't want to be. We all express things in different ways and although we crack jokes at my mom for laying down like a child and bawling, that's all I want to do right now. Hey, I've held it in for this long, I deserve at least that, right?
I associate the smell of Thanksgiving with my grandmother. So I should be thankful, right? Instead I become emotionally unstable. I get it, life after death, I'll see her again, blah blah. What about right now? What about folding those old lacey table cloths, the paper napkins folded in different shapes, and doing dishes together? I long for the conversation, advice, and laughter. We were lucky to have them at our house almost every year and I miss that. Call me a brat, or a scrooge, or whatever, but it's just not the same. Yes, I have a lot to be thankful for, and I guess I need to stop holding a grudge against whatever is out there for us, but I'm not over it yet.
So even though I will grin through one more year, I'll wish it could have been like Thanksgiving used to be, which ruins it because I know it won't ever be the same.
Ba Humbug.
4 comments:
What a beautiful tribute to your grandmother. She must have been a wonder person. I feel the passion you have for her and only hope and pray that I affect the heart of my granddaughter like your grandma did yours... go right ahead and be a brat... it sucks to loose people you love, and you are right, it's not the same.. you deserve to cry sometimes if you want.. seriously... it's yours, go ahead and feel it.
As I remember it, you and I both laid on the stairs and bawled after grandpa left that day. I miss her too and especially this time of year. The holidays just aren't the same without her. I love you, Muffin.
I cried through your post, what a wonderful tribute to your Grandmother.....I can relate, I've been there too, can't say it gets better, just easier with time.
Have a great day and cry if you want to, it does help....at least momentarily.
Love you
Mary (Heidi's mom)
Beautiful Missy! You just go ahead and cry. it's alright to do it. It's cleansing and refeashing. sometimes, at 5:30 in the morning, when I think of all that has transpired in my life and when my thoughts turn to my little children, now all grown, I shed tears. I do it then, when I'm all alone and feels real good. Grandma is not far away, she's with you so close.
I love you Missy and Happy Thanksgiving.
p.s. You make me laugh because you are so stubbornly PEREZ!!! ha ha ha
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